Pernikahan bukan semata-mata ikatan halal yang membenarkan sebuah perasaan cinta dan kasih sayang, tetapi ia juga adalah tanggungjawab.
Assamualaikum, Farah! I came across your wonderful blog probably a year ago when you first commenced your wedding preparations. My name is *** and my intention of writing to you is not to provide an article of my own. Instead, I have some key queries with you regarding your decision to embark on the great journey that is marriage at such an early age.
I, myself, am keen on embarking in this very same journey, to ‘halalize’ my relationship with my boyfriend of five years but the costly wedding as well as living expenses have always made us dither on the idea.
Just to give you a quick introduction about myself: I am a Year * English Literature Student in ***, aged 22. While I do not have a full-time job, I work three part-time jobs to sustain myself and insya Allah, savings for my wedding day. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years (we turn 5 this November) and he is a full-time NS man, about to be Operationally Ready in four months’ time.
We have discussed how we would like our wedding to be and have agreed on a small-scale event that includes an akad nikah ceremony in the mosque followed by a small dinner banquet. We are never keen on the idea of wasting a lot of money for the sake of a wedding – we believe that small weddings will have more blessings from Him. But some things are hindering us from hastening our marriage, such as follows:
1) We do not have a house of our own. My boyfriend currently lives with his grandmother in a 2-bedroom apartment. Meanwhile, I am living in my sister’s house after my parents divorced when I was 7. Housing issues have always bugged us because we wish to have a place of our own. How do you go about overcoming this problem?
2) We do not have a secure income as of yet. My boyfriend and I always revel at how couples our age (he is a year old than me), get married when they’re unemployed/students/going through NS.
While we have planned to go about planning our wedding after he gets a job, how much time did you take to fully save for your wedding expenses? Any tips on cutting back costs? How do you cope with monthly expenses after marriage?
3)Parents – As of now, I still don’t have a good relationship with my boyfriend’s parents. How do I make myself closer to them and gain their trust? How do I improve communication with them?
I know that my email is a little heavy but I really do appreciate your help. Sorry babe if I have inconvenienced you with the length of my email. But I really do look up to strong women such as you who have the strength to go through such significant responsibility that marriage entails. Looking forward to hear from you. 🙂
Thank you so much for being a reader of my blog!
First of all, I really admire your enthusiasm on wanting to bring your relationship on to the next level with great intentions along with it. Believe me, great things don’t come easy. But when you want to embark on such an important journey, thinking of the present and staying stagnant in that mind-set won’t help you progress.
In fact, you are in a much easier position than I am, because your boyfriend is going to be Operationally Ready soon. That’s one positive point! For my husband, he’s enlisting late this year so that’s a different story. While you’re studying in NTU, I’m sure you’ll find a good job with a decent pay to live comfortably in Singapore one day, in shaa Allah.
So that’s another positive point!
I don’t deny that living in Singapore is indeed very costly. What’s more, Muslim marriages is becoming more and more pricey it’s ridiculous. It didn’t take long for me and my husband to plan all this actually, because we are focused on one thing and it’s super important to set goals, even if it is just a small thing.
The main thing is, try not to cause any inconveniences to both families (especially in terms of financials). Whatever you may plan, let it only be the two of you and if it is the best for you and in Allah’s eyes, focus on it. Don’t let anything get it the way.
1) Please, don’t let housing matters be an obstruction in making your relationship ‘halal’. Since you are still working part time and your boyfriend’s currently in NS, why not apply for a rental house under HDB? Me and my husband applied in May 2015 and got the keys in October 2015, only five months of waiting.
Just in time before our marriage, which was in January this year. Nowadays, sadly, there’s a stigma about people living in rental houses are ‘poor people’, ‘can’t afford to buy BTO/RESALE houses’ and loads more disgusting remarks. But me and my husband don’t care about those remarks actually. It’s not going to be forever!
As long as we’re living on our own, we are not causing any inconveniences to people, we work hard to fend for ourselves, there’s nothing wrong about it. We are happy that we are living on our own and still surviving, alhamdulillah. We are slowly learning on how to be independent. We have privacy, we have two pets at home and no matter what house we have as for now, we are grateful.
We are stabilising ourselves for now and we will soon apply for BTO/RESALE once all is good. There’s no rush to having a big home because unless you’re planning to have kids right after marriage, a one room apartment would be nice for only two people. Check out more at – HDB Public Rental Scheme
2) Alright let me start from back when we got engaged. Honestly, my salary is barely $2000 and my husband back then was still schooling, believe it or not. I think we spent less than $2000 for our engagement! I think the most expensive costs were just our engagement rings and the food buffet.
The main thing is, do research for affordable yet great services! For me, I had a family member (not closely related) who did my henna for me and it was less than $100, my sister is a makeup artist so that was free, my mum had a close friend who could cook up a buffet so we saved on that too. So you see, it doesn’t have to be hard! You get to choose how you want to spend your money as minimal as possible, so choose wisely!
Right in the middle of our engagement, we decided we do not want to live in neither of our parents’ places. So we just rent a one-room apartment! We managed to get quite a new unit so it’s all good! All our engagement, house and marriage expenses were just money from my husband who’s working only ONE part time job, and me with a salary that’s barely $2000.
When we say we want a simple wedding, simple it is! We spent less than $5000 (trust me) and all the services we rendered were of satisfaction. You can read more on some of my previous posts regarding my wedding expenses.
The main thing is, don’t be in debt because of a good thing like marriage. Stay focused, save up for your future be it even $50 a month and be strong against people’s opinions. After marriage, as long as both of you are working, in shaa Allah, there will be no problem. Save up for your cpf and future.
Spend wisely, but don’t be a cheapskate of course! When the time comes for the both of you to buy a house, ensure both of you are really ready financially and emotionally. Don’t rush okay dear! If your intentions are good, Allah will always let you overcome anything.
3) Maybe the reasons are unclear to me as to why you don’t have a good relationship with his parents. I mean, as long as both of you are not causing any ‘trouble’ or doing something bad to make them lose trust, then I guess the way to improve your relationship with his parents is to always ensure them that you can take care of their son and also you are always visiting them; vice versa for your boyfriend.
The main channel to go through to his parents is of course through your boyfriend. I hope he is helping you in improving your relationship with his parents.
It’s important to have a support system here, you know what I mean? We all can’t deny, parents’ blessings are so important. Therefore, take time, don’t rush and don’t make promises. I think actions are much much important in showing our parents that we are really ready. Make time for them too, include them in all preparations and discussions so that they know they are important to you guys, in shaa Allah.
No matter what dear, you’ll always have my best interest and I hope all will go smoothly one day for you. Hope my reply helped you in a way or two. Stay strong alright? Remember you’ll only need to impress Allah SWT, not negative people.
Jazak Allahu Khayran.
Let your inner voices and thoughts be heard!
I’d really love to hear your thoughts and stories on marriage, being single, having kids, why marriage is for you or why it is not, advice for the married ones, ANYTHING along those lines. I think it’ll be really interesting to listen to stories and thoughts from different people of different backgrounds.
Of course I’ll continue to blog, but I thought, why not start something new and interesting here? You can choose to stay anonymous or you can be as you are, either ways I’d still respect your decision. And yes, you can be from anywhere in the world!
You may have noticed that I do share articles from other blogs occasionally which I found interesting and helpful and that is where I aim for my blog to go to – to be able to inspire and help people in a way or two. So, it’s easy!
You can just email me your thoughts/stories/advices to firstname.lastname@example.org with your name, where you are from, if you want to stay anonymous (or not), content and social media (if any). That’s all! Hope you all will feel inspired to share with me and my readers all about your thoughts and stories.
See you in my next post!
Alhamdulillah, in a blink of an eye (at least that’s how I felt lol), exactly six months of marriage have flown by just like that! I’m sure it’ll be very interesting to know how’s life being married at such a young age. Trust me, and be ready, because I’m not going to paint a beautiful picture for you all.
Let’s recap; me and Mr. A got married on the 16th of January, 2016 (16.1.16). It was indeed, one of the most blessed decision I have ever made. We’ve been together for three years before we got engaged, and coming to five years before we finally tied the knot. I will not just sit here and say, marriage life and the relationship before that was the same.
Sometimes we tend to always say, after being with someone for years and years, we know them in and out. We know them like they are our soulmates. In my opinion now, I was wrong. In fact, I was so wrong. I mean, not like in a bad way. It’s kind of like a culture shock, you know what I mean?
The first few months were kind of exhausting, I must say. Trying to adapt to changes, knowing there’s the two of you now, coming to a decision is much harder, chores have to be divided (accordingly and fairly), you can hear all the sigh-ings and mumbling, there’s nowhere to hide when you are sad and loads more.
There will be a period, where the both of you will constantly be in disagreements and will fight even about the smallest things. Why? It’s called adapting. I mean, it’s like learning to ride a bicycle. You have to fall down and bleed over and over again to know you’re never going to make the same mistakes again right?
And once you’ve got the hang of it, it will be a breeze. I’ve never experienced what I experience now in a marriage. I felt like I’ve learnt a whole new meaning to what’s responsibility, respect, sacrifices, understanding and trust. I believe that you mature each day, and every day is a learning process.
Responsibility; Each day, I have to give myself a friendly reminder that I have a husband to take care of. Not only of his food and drink, but also his heart, his feelings, basically his presence overall. So it’s my responsibility to make sure he’s content with my presence and companion around him.
Besides, heart and feelings, it’s my responsibility too to make sure that the house is well cleaned and taken proper care of. Trust me, your husband will be content if he comes home to a well-groomed wife, with the house clean and no mess. Personally, I’m content too if my house smells nice and is well taken care of.
Respect; I’m sure when you made the decision to get married, your partner is not one to play around and have a fling etc. You both know it’s time to settle down, bring out the best out of your spouse and be there for each other till death (if god willing). So, respect can come in various ways and how you portray it.
One way is to not act up easily when in an argument. Listen, analyse what he/she is saying, take it in, then only say what’s important and could bring the problem to an end. There’s no use bringing up the past, hating on each other, blaming one another, shouting in each others’ faces or bringing each other down.
Another way to respect your spouse is not to prolong an argument and try to avoid any possible arguments or just simply keep quiet. At the end of the day, you guys are living with each other and possibly till the end of time so, why not use up the time fighting by being happy with each other’s companion?
And lastly about respect, it’s important to carry yourself with utmost dignity wherever you go. Note to yourself that, you are now married and it’s important to take care of your family’s and spouses’ names right? Most important, we must learn to respect ourselves enough first to be able to respect someone wholeheartedly. Hope you all get what I mean.
Sacrifices; It’s not easy, trust me. Especially when it comes to ones’ family. You kind of have, ‘two sides’ now. You have to learn to be fair and to give & take. You have to accept your spouses’ family and parents regardless of how they are – vice versa. Sometimes it can be stressful, for me it’s especially during Eid.
You have to make time for both sides! And the fact that we only have like what, roughly 8 days of weekends only doesn’t make it easy for newlyweds. We have to equally divide the time to make sure, we get to go visiting for both sides of the family. But for the rest of the year, just ensure you visit both your parents every once in a while!
Another thing about sacrifice, is work. When work comes into the picture, time is the only main factor that gets sacrificed. You get to spend lesser time with them, mainly in the evening and also lesser time to ensure the house is proper and everything is well taken care of. So what do I do when I get back from work?
First thing is to cook. Yes, I work from 9 – 6 daily for 5 days a week and yes, I am VERY tired. But sacrifice, remember? But what does my Mr. A do? Just sit and relax? No! He’ll help wherever possible like when I’m cooking, he’ll do the vacuuming/mopping. If not, he’ll help to clean up after I’ve finished cooking.
PLEASE husbands/husbands to be (if any of you are reading), help your wife! It’ll be so much fun and when the workload is divided equally, both will be happy. So it’s worth it! After cooking and eating and washing all the dishes, spend time by watching tv shows/videos together.
For me and Mr. A, our daily routine is GOOD MYTHICAL MORNING by Rhett & Link! Omg we have so much fun watching them and also we watch Shane Dawson on a daily basis, basically anything that’ll bring laughter to the house. We’d spend time with our cat and rabbit, or watch a movie if it’s Friday night!
Go to bed early guys! That is like so important for us, actually. It’ll help both of you relax, you can have a heart to heart talk, plan the future and for me, it’s kinda nice to be able to wind down after a long day and just relax with them. Minimize the use of cellphones please! You can do that on the way to work whatsoever 😀
Understanding; I can’t emphasize how important being understanding is in a relationship in words. How you or your spouse were before married, try not to change that. An example in my case, Mr. A loves to play computer/mobile games and is freaking passionate about Manchester United LOL. He talks about it almost every day and gaming wise, yeah he spend a good amount of time on it.
After being married, yes it kinda frustrates me that he’s always on the phone especially during the soccer Transfer Window Season (I think that’s what they call it) and sometimes, he’ll play games for 3 hours straight. But to me, trying to make him STOP all that seems ridiculous.
So I told him, please, reduce your gaming time and spend more time with me. You can also focus on your soccer news when you are not with me during the day. So he understood it and we both tried to make it work. Alhamdulillah it has been great, so that’s one thing I could give an advise on.
Trust; This is like the foundation of your relationship people! It’s easy to explain, don’t get jealous over small things, let your spouses spend time with her/his friends (not doing stupid things like clubbing/drinking etc.). After all, I’m sure the reason you married your spouse is because you trust them to be your life partner right?
Another concept of trust is, you gotta trust that your spouse is going to be a good husband/wife. Don’t bring your spouse down, but bring them up and give them confidence instead. Trust your spouse to be able to give you a good life (with effort and hard work of course).
Trust your spouse to never leave you no matter what. This is important because sometimes, couples argue and they’ll lose trust. Try to hold on, be grateful, be positive and trust god that good things will come. I trust that Mr. A prefers me over Manchester United. Right Mr. A? HAHA!
No for real, me over Man-U right?!
Anyway, I know some will say “Oh you’ve only been married for 6 months, you know nothing yet about hardships in marriage BLAH BLAH BLAH”. Like I’ve said multiple times in my previous posts, there will always be people bringing you down and think they’re better. But who cares?
I’m sharing only what could be of benefit (in shaa Allah to married couples/soon-to-be married couples. Age doesn’t define maturity. Experiences does. There are days where me and Mr. A would only eat Maggi noodles for the whole day. But there are days where we would spend time dating outside and eating nice food.
We each have our own hardships and good times, but I’m not afraid to share it. Hardship comes in many forms, and it’s important we have trust and faith in god and know that it won’t rain forever. We get up, we have fun, we seek positive vibes and we set goals for ourselves.
I wish the very best for all married couples or couples that are planning to get married. Know that there WILL BE very hard times, but when the good times follow up after that, it’ll be all worth it. Love each other, stay strong for each other. That’s important. 6 months or 35 years, having faith in each other that counts.
One last thing, if you are ever wondering when am I getting pregnant, NOT YET! The time will come. Haha!
Thinking back, where did all the time go? I feel like I just started my 50 days countdown on Instagram and now we are already 10 days away from the #farahandaminwedding?! Everything seems surreal right now, have been losing my sleep being anxious, god when will this end?
As the big day draws nearer, time has been super slow. And that’s what that triggers my anxiety towards all this. Do you wanna know how it feels like? It feels like I’m constantly trying to pull myself out of the dark hole that is sucking me into distraught.
Everyday feels like a tug-of-war, but I’m battling myself. I don’t know what the thing is that is making me feel like this, is it the fact that I am getting married? Is it because we are running out of time? Have I prepared all the thing needed to be done? I don’t know.
Note that I am not at all regretting/doubting my decisions, it’s just what anxiety does to you, I guess? Blaming yourself for feeling this way, wanting to run away from this hectic world, lots more. I am feeling it all. But I trust that Allah SWT is with me.
Sometimes when anxiety takes over me, I try to remember of the good times in my life. I try to remember all the blessings that I have had. It keeps me sane. I don’t exactly feel nervous yet, but it’s more to being overwhelmed and anxious.
I don’t really show it to people (even though I am now blogging about it), because it usually comes during the night where I am alone and these thoughts will haunt me. What thoughts, you ask? I don’t know myself. But please pray for my mind to be sane please people LOL.
- 1.a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome
Anyway, I feel like sharing with you people some old photos of me and Mr A since I am having them in my laptop now. Look at the fetus version of Mr A LOL!
These are just some of the many many pictures that I have have. Trust me I have more than 2K pictures WHUT. Maybe when I feel like sharing more yea!
Suddenly I thought of sharing with you guys a little bit more details on my wedding checklist (the most essential ones/as of now) and I may miss out on a few little things so don’t mind me yea!
Official Wedding Hashtag: #farahandaminwedding
ROMM Registration: Registered on the 20th of August 2015
Kadi: Maaroof Bin Haji Mohamad
Venue: Masjid Al-Istighfar @ Pasir Ris
Catering: Dapur Bedah
Bridal Makeup Artist: Makeup by Hafizah Yazed
Henna Artist: Henna by Nuryn Eddy
Bridal Heels: Pazzion
Bridal Outfit (Solemnization): Blaus @ Tanjong Katong Complex (Bought)
Bridal Outfit (Mr. A’s Side): WA Clothing (Bought)
Bouquet: Colours Of Autumn SG
Wedding Invitation Cards: From Fran With Love
Paper Bags & Stickers for Favors (Bride): From Fran With Love
Wedding Favors (Groom): A Love Knot
Dais Decor @ Groom’s Side: Naf Design and Ideas
Wedding Photographer: Sponsored
Bridesmaid Dresses: Poplook
Wedding Trays (Dulang): DIY
As of now that is all I have in my checklist! I am so so excited because we are only 19 days away O M G! I will definitely do up a separate post (with pictures) on all the gifts I have as dulang hantaran for the groom’s side at a later date In shaa Allah.
I am kind of in the last lap of my wedding preparations where I feel like I am just waiting for the day to finally come but at the same time, there are still little bits and bobs that still needs to be done. Do follow my Snapchat @farahamxra for more BTS(s) of my wedding/home preparations!
Nervous? Yes. Excited? Yes. Overwhelmed? Yes? Anxious? Yes, every night.
I can’t believe, we are only left with 34 days to the big day. Felt like it was only last month I got engaged to Mr. A. But in fact, last month was the first year of our engagement. How time flies?
Thinking about it, it will be 4 days to 30 days left. And then it becomes 29. And then 9 days to 20 days left. And then it becomes 19. It goes on till it reaches a single digit. I have been feeling all these mixed emotions in me because I kind of don’t know how to feel?
Everything has just been overwhelming for me because me and Mr. A have been very busy these few weekends (he’s working on weekdays so our weekends are fully occupied) settling errands for our marriage and also our new house.
Alhamdulillah, we have bought like 70% of the furniture etc. and we are only left with a few more before the house will be fully completed in shaa Allah. I couldn’t be more thankful to the people around us that have been supporting us and we feel so blessed definitely.
We are only left with 4 weekends before our wedding weekend and it kind of depresses me out. I don’t know why because all that is in my wedding checklist have been ticked. I am just literally waiting for the big day already.
Registered my marriage at ROMM, booked my kadi, booked my venue, booked my catering, bought my wedding outfits, booked my henna (nxedhenna by Nuryn Eddy) and makeup (Makeup by Hafizah Yazed), booked my bouquet (Colours of Autumn SG), got my invitation cards & wedding favor paper bags from (From Fran With Love), bought/booked all my wedding favors (there’s two; from By Shereen S and Tasbih Qaseh), booked my photographer, bought my bridesmaid dresses (Poplook) and all my gubahan/hantaran (gifts) for Mr. A.
I don’t know if I missed anything but alhamdulillah, couldn’t be more thankful and blessed. I am just left with preparing my wedding favors etc. and now more of the preparations are for my new home. It makes me so excited, and so nervous at the same time and I hope so much that with these two emotions together in my head, I won’t have a mental breakdown as the date gets nearer.
Well everything won’t be so perfect like how you imagined you want it to be. Planning for a wedding/marriage/new home isn’t as easy because you have got to hold your emotions in through everything with your partner. There will be miscommunication, not being satisfied with something and loads more.
For now, hope you all will pray for my thoughts to be stable LOL. 34 days is not long man! Anyway that is all for today’s post, do follow me at my snapchat; farahamxra for more BTS of my wedding/home preparations!
Oleh itu perkahwinan yang baik ialah yang ringan perbelanjaannya, yang tidak memberatkan, tidak bermewah-mewah dan tidak melebihi batas-batas yang diperlukan, serta tidak membawa kepada pembaziran kerana pembaziran itu bertentangan dengan hukum syarak.